A sexologist and psychotherapist talks about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increased potency, or where does "male power" go?
The internet and television are flooded with advertisements for "miracle" pills and potions that promise to restore "man power" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we all know, is born out of demand. What happened - why are the men "spoiled"? Internet and social networks turned out to be more "interesting" than live women? Or maybe the ladies themselves are blaming themselves for the fact that their gentlemen have less and less desire for men, as well as the desire to satisfy this desire?
A well-known psychotherapist - sexologist answered these and other questions for our reporter.
If a man is not interested in a woman in particular and sex life in general, it leads to impotence. . . Is this fair?
- The term "impotence" was removed from the world classification of diseases and replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". However, the word "impotence" is indeed still commonly encountered in everyday life. The literal translation means "no power". For men, this is a very important area of \u200b\u200b life. And if there is failure in it, then in almost every case, regardless of the main reason, there is also a moral part. Men only see symptoms, results. And they refer to the loss of erection or its weakening during sexual frigidity. Of course, as a rule, an emotional component is involved in these complaints. A man can suffer from anxiety and even depression. Whatever women think of men, in reality, they all want to be successful not only in their work but also in their personal lives.
Now there is a lot of talk about "rejuvenating" impotence. Is that so?
- I have 16 years of practice in the profession, and I rely not only on statistics but also on my own observations. Indeed, within the last 10-15 years, a decrease in the average age of patients can be observed. More and more young people are studying. At the beginning of the profession, the average age of the patient was 40 years old, now it is 35 years old.
When a man "can't and doesn't want to, " what is to blame in the first place: physiological, psychological, or perhaps social?
- There is often no single reason. When communicating with a patient, I try to understand his lifestyle - how is he feeling, is he getting enough sleep, is he having a midlife crisis? What is his attitude in the area of intimacy, the behavior of a partner? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce but only asks to fulfill "marital obligations", is often one of the causes of psychological erectile dysfunction. In fact, there is often a syndrome of anxiety about sexual failure. In this state, a man would fix the failure, and the next time he was waiting for her. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman voluntarily or inadvertently "pours fuel into the fire", then sexual dysfunction is formed. And the man turned on "avoidance behavior". Some collide with work or alcohol. Some - subconsciously cause quarrels with their wives, so that the idea of intimacy seems absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different ways instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate problems and relationships with partners and wives. And it's not far away from divorce. Some go to a urologist due to illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sexologist.
Not "could" or "won't"?Women are often tormented by one question: which is more important - "can't" or "don't want to"?
- As the saying goes, one does not interfere with the other - you can "don't want to" and "can't" at the same time. But it's important to remember that an erection is, first of all, a clear indicator of "I want", not "I can". But even this "want" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual makeup, that is, on the temperament of a man.
Is it true that men themselves often don't notice the problem or even accuse a woman of wanting "too much" from him?
- You can ask a man to be complimenting and provocative - for example, kisses, gentle caresses. And the erection does not obey the will. The will of a woman is not the will of a man. As soon as the word or thought "should" appears, this is the beginning of the road to a dead end.
Increasingly, they talk about the impact of stress on a modern man - is it really terrible for the intimate sphere?
- Sure. Nature resists conception in a stressful situation. And reduce the level of attractiveness through hormonal mechanisms. Increased stress levels - levels of the anti-stress hormone prolactin increase, and as a result, it suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sex drive in both men and women. As a result, disablement of the sexual field occurs.
The woman is the mother.They say that a man's ability to "become a man" depends on his upbringing and the type of relationship he has with his mother - is that true?
- No doubt! A woman's first archetype for a son is a mother. It is she who lays the foundation for relationships with the opposite sex. Every woman who wants to be happy for her baby, especially a boy, should breastfeed for at least the first year after giving birth. It is during this period that positive and negative attitudes, openness or wariness towards the female sex are formed. Mothers are women first. And if a family is not complete, and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, then the child will not view the behavior of either male or female. . . And as a result, its experience of communicating with the opposite sex can be negative. And this is the direct path to isolation, frustration. . . Furthermore, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can constantly change partners, just being alone. In sexology, this is known as promiscuity, i. e. promiscuity without the ability to establish deep emotional relationships. So, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, then these situations need to be studied in depth.
What are the most common mistakes of mothers raising boys?
- The boy must see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. Finally, uncles and aunts. But ideally, of course, there must be a father whom the boy's mother loves. Excessive guardianship, pressure, and manipulation are very dangerous. They are filled with the infant look and feminine behavior of a teenager.
Married - just for love! Some women are obsessed with their appearance and go to great lengths to please their husbands. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing entirely on family, on children. Is it possible that in general a woman behaves so "wrongly" that her man simply loses interest in an intimate life?
- Depends a lot on the woman, in both a positive and a negative sense. For example, you might appear in front of your husband in loose clothes, blaming him for a sexual failure (although, if you think about it, it's not a failure actually. his but hers), don't support him but insult and "end off" with your words and all your behavior, and this is the result: he wants nothing! So to the young women who come to see me, I keep saying, "Marry for love, respect your man, praise him - and he will move mountains for you! " Oneneat appearance, good body shape, perfume, grooming is always a plus. But some women's panic attacks with their looks have been a matter of a woman's self-esteem and her relationships with others. After all, if people are only attracted to their bodies, then this is a "castrated" version of humanity. There must be a desire of the soul, one must take care of each other not only in bed but also outside.
The "terrible" businesswomen. Is it possible that a socially successful woman is not attractive, but frightens men? After all, where does the army of beautiful, smart and successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It's not about success, it's about behavioral patterns. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use patterns of male behavior - for example, she becomes assertive, harsh, and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, thenmasculine or simply "courageous" men don't like that. Feminine - more "feminine" (these people are called "sissy"), such a role model seems attractive, as they are used to conforming.
Take care of the men! If a woman is willing to fight for her man, for the happiness of her family, when her husband has problems with sex, how should women behave?
At the very least, you need to let him sleep. Stop all criticism completely - even criticism that a woman might consider constructive. Ask for forgiveness for past wrongs. To say she doesn't need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And against this background - relaxing daily massage with oil. And you need to do it one by one. If there are no positive motives against this scenario, you should definitely visit a sexologist who can find out both the underlying medical and psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that there will be no "sin" and "sick" searches at reception. Meetings with your doctor are necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and it is possible!
Is there an example from your practice where a woman helped a man gain confidence in himself - in every sense?
- I will tell you about my recent patient's wife. Her behavior is amazing! I have been approachedwith a businessman who had suffered greatly in the new economic conditions. Many problems befall him, and in the midst of the stress, his attraction to his wife begins to decrease. But most of all, he was worried about how he would tell her, that maybe soon he might be completely lost and they wouldn't have any money and debt piled up. . . But his wife was used to a high standard of living. . . . I advised her to tell her everything there was. If not close friends, who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not let me down. The patient at the next appointment said, his wife obeyed and said: "It's okay, I'll go to work if this happens. And anyway, I fell in love with you when I was a poor studentI love you now and I will always love you, no matter what. Just from these words, the man gained strength, the panic disappeared and his business became good. over - in every sense. At our last date, he said to me: "I'll never leave my wife - I'll remember this day for the rest of my life! "I think this woman deserves his love. And I'm calm for their relationship. I want people to love each other more, appreciate, respect, and support. And that's notNot words, but actions.